Protect your energy without closing your heart
We have explored how to live with intention, develop what we have been given, and contribute to something beyond ourselves. As we put that into practice, we need to remain mindful of our own energy too: our attention, our emotional involvement, and what we make available of ourselves.
Protecting our energy within exchanges asks us to notice what we are giving and what is guiding us. We might share more than we intended, continue when we have little left to give, or become caught up in someone else’s frustration. We might also hold back something important because we anticipate a difficult reaction. But we can hold care and respect for the other person as well as ourselves. That is where I want to explore protecting our energy without closing our hearts.
What we give away
My default used to be to talk. I could let people in quickly and share before I had really considered whether I wanted this person to walk away with that information about my life. Openness comes naturally to me, but I’ve learned to bring more intention to it.
Sometimes we share because we want to connect. Sometimes we are excited, uncomfortable with silence, or looking for reassurance. In the moment, we might not notice the difference, or even that we are doing it at all, even though by now we know how being present can help us interrupt those defaults.
Research helps explain part of the pull. Diana Tamir and Jason Mitchell found that disclosing information about ourselves engaged brain regions associated with reward. In related tasks, people were willing to give up small amounts of money for the opportunity to answer questions about themselves. Sounds kind of sad at first, but the feeling is recognizable. There is actually much to appreciate in that impulse. Talking about our experiences helps us understand one another, and openness can make someone else feel less alone. But enjoying the act of sharing does not necessarily mean we have chosen what we want to share.
The pause I have learned to make is about recognizing what I am giving away. I am sharing knowledge about myself, giving something of my energy, and allowing someone access to a part of my life. Do I want that kind of exchange with this person? Am I comfortable with them going through life with this knowledge about me, regardless of how the relationship develops?
What is worth saying
We give energy to an exchange through what we choose to address and how we express it. We can spend a great deal of ourselves trying to be understood, win agreement, or find the words that will finally make someone respond differently.
The Buddhist teaching on right speech offers a useful way to consider this. In the discourse to Prince Abhaya, the Buddha explains that truth alone is not enough reason to speak. He also considers whether the words are beneficial and when they should be said. Even something true and pleasant may be better left unsaid if it serves no useful purpose. Equally, something difficult to hear may deserve to be spoken, with care for its timing. Compassion guides the choice, rather than the wish to please or the impulse to speak.
This offers a way to be more deliberate with the energy we bring into an exchange. What would saying this serve? Is this the moment? Are we expressing something that matters, or speaking because we feel the need to respond? Remaining present helps us notice what is guiding us, including when emotion begins to carry us along. We can return our attention to what we want to contribute and choose how to respond. Sometimes care asks us to speak. Sometimes it asks us to listen, wait, or recognize that we have already said enough.
Remaining conscious of our own energy
Compassion does not require leaving everything unsaid that someone might find uncomfortable. We can express something honestly and with care without knowing whether it will be received as we hope. Protecting our energy includes recognizing what we can take responsibility for: our intention, our words, and our willingness to listen. We cannot decide the other person’s response for them.
That response may still affect us. The question is what we do when we notice it. Do we become sharp, explain ourselves endlessly, or abandon what we meant to say just to restore agreement? We can pause before following that reaction. We can remain respectful and stand behind our words while hearing what the other person has to say. They may help us recognize something we had not understood.
Even an anticipated response can occupy us before the conversation begins. We can find ourselves defending against words that have not been spoken yet. Preparing to express ourselves with compassion leaves room for the actual encounter, rather than allowing the one we fear to determine how we enter it.
There are also times when we have little left to give, or when continuing no longer serves the conversation. We can decline a question, leave something unsaid, or bring an exchange to a close. We can care about someone and still be unavailable. We can respect them without discussing a particular part of our lives. Neither requires an elaborate defense.
In the I Ching’s hexagram of the Well, the fourth changing line describes the well’s lining being repaired. In my own model, I connect that image with caring for what sustains our ability to contribute. Letting others drink from the Well never means neglecting the structure that holds its water. I see that care in these choices too: what we make available of ourselves, the exchanges we continue to give energy to, and how we respond when they become difficult.
In every part of living our purpose, we can keep our hearts open while protecting our energy and choosing how much of ourselves, and which parts, we are willing to share. It comes down to replacing default with intention.
Legge (1882)
Tamir & Mitchell (2012)
Thanissaro Bhikkhu (n.d.)